I know, I know, you are thinking, “But Julie, you are MARRIED and you preach about how to strengthen your relationship! How could you say such a thing??”
Well, I will tell you what, this statement didn’t come easy. It comes after years of marriage. years of being dependant on him for my happiness. If he came home with a bad mood, I also had a bad mood. It came after years of being so sad and miserable when he was gone to scout camp or on a business trip. It came after years of resentment for the time he spent away from me. Because I HAD to have him around to be happy. I needed him to be happy. You might think that is sweet and all. It is better than being miserable around your spouse I guess…
Last week my husband was at scout camp with my son. He has consistently been going to scout camps for almost our whole marriage of 13 years. And the resentment had been growing and growing. Each and every time I sent him off to scout camp. I hated it. But last week things were different. Mid way through the week I found myself insanely happy!! I even sat down an wrote a little note to my husband telling him how happy I was even though he was gone. I realized I was JUST AS HAPPY as when he is home… Humm… How can that be? I spend so many years needing him to be there to make me happy. I was dependant on his love and freindship. Now…I find myself going to bed perfectly happy… In fact INSANELY happy. And he was gone.
How did I get to this point in my life that I can be so happy without him? And is it a good thing?
My conclusion after thinking this over quite a bit is that it is a very good thing. Being this happy without my husband around is actually a very good thing! I am not basing my emotions on another person anymore. I am radiating that happiness from inside myself instead. I am finding that joy despite the people around me. My happiness is mine and no one else’s to control. Don’t get me wrong, I am still INSANELY happy around my husband. I ADORE the man and spend as much time as possible with him. We both have businesses from home from heavens sake! And we LOVE IT!
The cool thing is that I realized that I LOVE being around my husband because he is so FUN and makes my life exciting! But not because he makes me happy. I am happy with or without him. I am happy. Period. He just makes my life that much more fulfilling and better. I don’t NEED him. I WANT him.
I had a hard time wrapping my head around this at first but realized THIS IS THE NEXT LEVEL. It is good to need your spouse but what if you can get to the level of not needing any more but WANTING them? Wouldn’t that be awesome? I say yes, because I am there. It IS awesome!
How did I do this? I think there is 3 key things.
- Increased my self confidence- Really I started talking nicer to myself. Telling myself how amazing and awesome I am. Letting myself be ok with being a really cool person. (everyone is cool and awesome in my opinion so I was not saying in comparison to anyone else. Just accepting me for me.)
- Found purpose. I found things in my life that I felt really good about. Ways I have been able to make my mark on the world. I found purpose in helping others.
- Increased my relationship with God. I have really worked hard and learning about, listening to and following God. This has brought me such inner peace and joy that no matter the things that go on around me I can still feel this amazing joy!
I really think these are the 3 key things to develop to have such inner joy and peace that you don’t NEED others to feel happy. You can be happy and just enjoy the people in your life because you WANT to!
By the way, I had a big long conversation with my husband about this concept and he is totally on board about it. He doesn’t feel bad about this change in me because he knows that my love for him is even deeper than ever before. Our connection has only increased. And he is an amazing man who has deep understanding of things also. I believe that if you develop this kind of relationship too, that your spouse will be fully supportive of you finding your own inner joy too.
To your success,